I Was Young and Single for Way Too Long — Why?

What makes a guy fall for a girl on the first date — or not?

Rachel Greenwald wanted to know. So she asked 1000 men what made them decide to call a woman back after the first date — or not call at all.

A professional dating coach, Greenwald was puzzled by the large numbers of attractive women among her clientele who weren’t getting called back after the first date.

She Talked to Some men– And Asked Them Why

To find out why, she located some actual men,  hundreds of them, and she talked to them. She asked each one why he hadn’t called various women back after the first date. Greenwald then analyzed their responses and compiled the rejectees into categories.

The result is “Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love . . . Or Never Call Back.”

When I first spotted the book in an airport bookstore back in 2009, it had a brilliant fuchsia cover and the blunt title: Why He Didn’t Call You Back. 

By then I was thoroughly married. But I couldn’t help thinking — this book is just what I needed back in the ’60s and ’70s when I was young and single and hopeful in New York City and San Francisco . . . when I was doing a lot of dating and a lot of wondering why so many guys would take me out once or twice — then disappear without explanation. Gone. Evaporated. Poof.

I Was Young and Single for Way Too Long — Why?

All those years later, the mysterious rejections still rankled. Why hadn’t those guys (and there were dozens of them) ever called me back? I was a young, single woman for way too long — why?

Standing there in that airport bookstore, I still wanted to know.

Which is why when I spotted the title, “Why He Didn’t Call You Back,” I picked the book up and started to read.

Soon, it was time to catch my flight back to the Bay Area, but  I couldn’t stop reading, so I plunked down $24 and took Greenwald’s book with me to the gate.

I wasn’t buying this book for my own improvement, I told myself. I was buying it for my daughter, who was single and would be turning 26 soon.

Once aloft and still wondering why all those guys had never called me back, I cracked open Greenwald’s book, studied her categories and took her little quizzes. Which kind of loser had I been, really, as a young something all those years ago?

Greenwald outlined more than a dozen possibilities, some of which maybe applied to me:

•The Blahs. A major turn-off, Greenwald states, is the Blah woman, the one who doesn’t say or do much on the date. Definitely not my problem, I was pretty sure. I was a big talker as a young woman, a sharp dresser, a good dancer, and a flirt.

•The Psychobabbler. Another big turn-off, according to Greenwald. But no, that wouldn’t be me either.

•The Wino? No. Not that I remember anyway.

•The Ex Factor. This is the woman who talks too much about her ex. I never got far enough to have an ex.

•The Boss Lady. The career woman who takes charge, one-ups her date in conversation, expresses opinions with finality, and generally acts like this is a competitive job interview rather than dinner with a new and interesting friend. Hmmm. Could that be why I was young and single for way too long?

Dicing Up Women

Dicing women up into types objectifies them, of course. But the idea that a woman, nervous on a first date, can unwittingly fall back onto stereotypical behavior is a useful one. And Greenwald has lots of suggestions for tweaking one’s conduct to avoid giving misleading first impressions.

The woman who is a jock, for example, can bring out her feminine side by wearing a skirt or jewelry. The talker might do some heavy listening. And the woman who’s sure she wants to marry a Jew or a Catholic or a virgin or a New Englander would do well to keep a lid on her opinions long enough to find out whether that divorced Unitarian from Kansas City might actually be Mr. Right.

What Does a Man Really Want? Kindness!

Greenwald’s best advice, however, had nothing to do with types, and it came as a surprise to me. The quality most appreciated by the men Greenwald interviewed was simple human kindness. Men notice and appreciate a woman who shows consideration  for the waiter, the ticket taker, her date.

Some women have found Greenwald’s book irksome. That is, they have found the men in her book irksome. They read the men’s criticisms of their first dates as further evidence that guys are basically arrogant bastards and not to be trusted.

Which makes me wonder whether a lot of single women (my young self included) aren’t too inclined to find fault with the male of the species and behave accordingly — all too ready to fire the first shot.

I read this book to its end, wishing somebody had given it to me when I was young and fearful.

My twenty-something daughter got it for her birthday.

This article is one of my favorites from the archive. I came across Greenwald’s book and wrote about it way back in 2009. I don’t know whether Christina read the book or took its advice, but she did find her man a lot more efficiently than I found mine. She married him in 2017.