Where I come from . . . that is, when I come from, which is the middle of the twentieth century . . . wrestling a Christmas tree into its stand is the man’s job. Slice off the bottom of the trunk, trim off the extra limbs, carry the sticky, damp thing into the house, and heave it into the Christmas tree stand.
Ignore the pine needles on the rug. Hope someone else will think to vacuum them up.
For forty-four years, the job of trimming and manhandling the annual Christmas tree belonged to Jon. He, too, was of midcentury vintage so there was no discussion of who would do what when it came to wrestling the spruce or the fir into submission.
But Jon is gone, and Christmas is coming. So are the kids — the 38-year-old, the 40-year-old and the very grown-up 5-year-old.
A Christmas tree is in order. But how to get a tree from the Christmas tree lot into the trunk of the car, down the front stairs, through the front door, and into your Christmas tree stand?
How to Wrestle a Christmas Tree Into Its Stand
- Start by acknowledging that from now on you will be one of those little old ladies with a modest, table top Christmas tree on her coffee table.
- At the Christmas tree lot, find a pretty one. Grab it by the trunk and pick it up. If you can’t lift it, find smaller pretty tree. Keep going until you find a tree that is pretty and that you can lift with one arm. Back home, you will need the other arm to hold onto the handrail as you go down the front steps.
- Pay for the tree. Have one of the Christmas tree lot guys slice off the bottom inch or so of the trunk so that the tree can suck up water. Let him put the tree into the trunk of your car. It fits in there, because you are a little old lady now and you have bought a tree small enough to fit upon a coffee table and inside the trunk of your car.
- At home, carry the tree down the stairs and into the house, one hand on the handrail.
- Stick the tree into the Christmas tree stand.
- Notice that the tree refuses to stand up straight. Its lower branches are in the way.
- Accept that this must be attended to.
- Consider phoning the two guys across the street. They’d be happy to help.
- Decide to hold off on enlisting the two guys. You don’t want to ask them for too many favors. Save them for when you are truly desperate, like when you can’t get the lid off the jar of black olive tapenade from Provence.
10. Haul the tree back outdoors to the front yard. Saw off the guilty limbs. Go slow. Keep your hands and fingers out of the way of the saw. If you slice a finger, who will take you to the ER? The guys would. But you want to save them for the tapenade.
11. Pick up the tree one more time and take it indoors. You can do this safely because you did your Pilates this morning.
12. Drop the tree into the Christmas tree stand.
13. Tighten the bolts.
14. Water the tree.
15. Take a selfie with the tree, which is now upright and steadfast.
16. Send the selfie to the kids as evidence of your extraordinary competence, independence and life satisfaction. You don’t want the kids to worry about you. Because you don’t worry about you.
17. Right?
18. Right.
More Christmas at “The Perfect Christmas Tree. I Finally Found It.” Also, “We’re Having a — Merry — Christmas Without the Kids This Year.”
What a hopeful post. It made me laugh aloud, especially the part about how you can pick up the tree safely because you did your Pilates this morning.
Trying to stay fit. It takes some effort.
Did not want to put a tree up this year, but my sister-in-law said I should and I’m glad I finally listened to her. My artificial tree was bought in 1995 and still looks amazing…take it apart every year and store it in its box till the next xmas. It is about the same size as your live tree and with a string of colored lights, simple glass icicle ornaments and little tiny red balls and it’s all I’ve felt like doing. Our better halfs are gone, but we have to stay engaged so our kids don’t worry about us.
Enjoy your kids and family if you can this season. Nancy
So true. Interesting how important it’s become to stay engaged — or at least give the appearance of being engaged — so that our kids don’t worry. Hmmm . . . that’s something to write about one of these days.
What a woman! Great job, Barbara.
Yes. For me getting a little tree into its stand is an act of heroism. For some people (I’m thinking of you), getting the entire house beautiful and magical for Christmas is just another day in the life. You are my role model when it comes to decorating for Christmas. Wish me luck.
Loved your escapade!
Yes! It was a fun escapade — or so it seemed once that tree was upright and behaving itself.
Good for you! I would have been stumped at the sawing the trunk part. I’m sure the tree is beautiful once you have decorated it. Don and I finally gave up live trees several years ago. Now our artificial tree is easy to put up — the lights are already attached — and it is just as beautiful once the granddaughters come by and decorate it. Enjoy! Mary Ellen
I’ve heard that some of the artificial trees can be quite beautiful. And I like the idea of the lights already attached. My tree is still quite bare as I’m procrastinating on the — prickly — job of putting on the lights. When I was a kids, that was the job nobody wanted to do.
You and your tree are doing great.
Plan B – buy a small living tree. Transplant it to a nice pot. Water and decorate. Post Christmas – take the tree outside in the pot. Keep in semi-shaded area and water regularly. Next year, carry it back into the house. My first little tree lasted 3 years. This year I need to buy another. I got the first one at Cole’s. I’ve not gone shopping yet. Getting late. xx eb
What happened to the first one? Did it get too big to get into the house?
This is exactly what we do! But every year it seems we decorate a different houseplant as our tree. Last year it was the desert rose. This year it’s the pothos vines in the living room. Maybe next year it’ll be the umbrella plant.
🙂
Barbara,
I LOVED this column! One of your bests. I’m showing this to the others.
Tony
Thanks, Tony. The best thing about that column is that it meant that I could go shopping and still get some writing work done.
Well done!
I used to take the tree stand to the lot and ask the guys to put it into the stand there, and then put it into the car.
Made it a bit easier to get inside my apartment back in the day.
Great idea! I might try that next year. Thanks.
Love this one, Barbara. So glad humor is helping you get through this very tough holiday (and that your kids will be with you as well!)
Lisa. It seems like a little comic relief is in order in my writing these days. Am I doing it for myself? Or for my readers? Both?