Jesus Was a Loser — Does That Make Donald Trump a Winner?

By Barbara Falconer Newhall

Does this sound like Donald Trump talking — “Jesus was a loser, a nobody who couldn’t keep his hair out of his eyes and whose apostles were a bunch of weirdos and lowlifes.” As for God, “he was a Grade-A loser who couldn’t control his brand.”

If it does sound like The Donald bloviating on the topic of faith, that’s because no less a comic light than Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion, has produced 164 slick pages of Trump satire in the new book he has edited, “Trump’s America: The Complete Loser’s Guide,” (Micro Publishing Media, Inc., $19.95).

Dikkers and his writers nail the Trump bombast: “If I were Jesus,” the book has him saying, “my apostles would be made up of people who were very big in their fields. The top scholars.” And, “Put me in charge of the church and I could fix it in a week. Get the brightest people in there and throw the dummies out.” (A funny guy named Sean Smith cooked up the Trump on Faith section.)

Trump: Jesus Thought Small

“Trump’s America” quotes Jesus as saying: “Love your neighbor.” To which Donald — who has spoken to much bigger crowds — replies: “I get along with everybody, not just my neighbors. Jesus was thinking small. ”

Also, “I’m worth over 8 billion dollars, how much was Jesus worth?”

Dikker’s book goes on to skewer the Republican Party’s presumptive presidential nominee on the environment (“hippie crap”), science (“If Einstein was so smart, why wasn’t he rich?”) and the world community (“un-American”). Things do get a little raunchy here and there in this book. But, if you are among the seven in ten Americans who perceive Donald Trump unfavorably (as a loser?) that’s a small price to pay for 164 pages of belly laughs.

The GOP’s presumptive nominee steps in it for real in “Pro-Choice Trump Outs the Anti-Abortion Elephant in the Room.”  For some apolitical levity closer to home, go to “Rejected by Those Teenaged Babysitters.”