Widowed: Do I Still Miss Him?

Do I still miss Jon? It’s been nearly five years since he died — on Feb. 19, 2021. And since then I’ve heard other widows and widowers talking about how much they miss their spouses.

But missing Jon is not the shape my grief most often takes.

I wonder about that. Strange, I think. Most of the time, I don’t really miss Jon.

That’s because I feel that Jon is right here with me. He’s not really gone. I have not been abandoned.

My Days Are Filled

But it’s also because so many people and projects fill my days. Children and grandchildren, the ladies who lunch, a bathroom remodel, a overstuffed garden, and two or three book projects — all these things keep me engaged and willing to get up in the morning for another day without my husband.

I was a single woman for many years before Jon and I married. We were both 35 on our wedding day. So I’m used to creating a life for myself. As a married woman, I didn’t lead my life vicariously through my husband.

Widowed? Do I Still Miss Him?

Jon was the right guy for a woman like me: he liked the way I was. He liked that I had plans of my own.

And so, most of the time, my grief for Jon takes other forms: Pity for Jon that his life was cut short, that he died, that he was subjected to the brutality of death. Sorrow that the love I had — have — for him was unique to him and now has no where to light.

The Neighborhood Owls

And sorrow that he is not here to hear the owl pair, newcomers to the neighborhood, calling to each other across the canyon below our house. That he was not here when the Giants named a new manager — and couldn’t bellow his approval or disapproval at sportswriter Scott Ostler’s comments on the front page of yesterday’s Chronicle.

That said, every once in a while a moment arrives when I do miss Jon, when I am wrenched back into the horror of grief by the plain fact that he is not here, doing what I’m doing, feeling what I’m feeling.

It happened the other night. I was sitting in our darkened den next to Jon’s empty recliner, my feet on his footstool, binge watching “Diplomat” on TV.

A Dazzling Plot Twist

“Diplomat” would be right up Jon’s alley. Presidential politics, international intrigue, rogue government officials, CIA machinations, adroit twists of plot.

And then, in the Season Two finale, “Diplomat’s” writers pulled off a genius twist of plot, a dazzling one-eighty.

I was stunned. “Oh, no!” I shouted.

But no one was there to hear me.

Besides some good TV, Jon is missing out on watching his madrone trees grow. More about that at “Jon’s Memorial Tree Is Thriving — Both of Them.”  Last year, he missed out on a super cool celestial event: “Two Galaxies Dancing in Space.”