Widowed: The Things My Husband Wanted. (Or, We Are What We Want)

I needed a spot to spread out the tile samples I’d collected for the upcoming bathroom remodel. Only one space near the bathroom was available — the part of Jon’s desk, now empty, that used to hold his laptop and keyboard.

Some of Jon’s papers had drifted onto the spot, and one caught my eye. It was a Christmas gift list, composed two months before my husband died. He’d labeled it “Presents for Barbara.”

When I saw it, I put my head on his desk and wept.

He’d Written His Thriller at This Desk

This was a good place to cry. This was the spot on earth where, for years, Jon had spent his days. He had worked on his thriller novel here. He’d composed emails to his school friends and his gastroenterologist. He’d conducted phone calls with his cardiologist.

And it was here that he had drawn up his 2020 list of Christmas gifts intended for me — stemless wine glasses, Cathy Guisewite teapot, gas powered generator . . . .

Certain artifacts, like this list, bring on the tears because they have the power to resurrect, however briefly, Jon’s wants, Jon’s desires, Jon’s intentions.

There are many parts to grief. Some less wrenching than others. I miss Jon’s company. I miss Jon’s faithful call to dinner every night at 7 p.m. sharp. I miss his quiet assumption of the taxpaying duties. I’m sad that his youngest grandchild will have no memories of him and that the oldest grandchild’s memories are fading.

But I feel the sharpest grief when I picture my husband alive and wanting something, planning something — picking out artichokes for our dinner, or making a grandchild laugh.

We Are What We Want

Our wants reveal who we are. We are what we want. And, when those wants are no more, who are we? Are we?

The philosopher Harry G. Frankfurt had thoughts on the subject of volition. It is our wants  — our desires, what we will — that define who we are, he said. It is our intentions that give our lives meaning and make our actions moral or not moral. We might live in a deterministic, mechanistic universe and have no control over our actions, but we can have desires, and it is those desires, rather than our actions, that define us.

Widowed: The Things My Husband Wanted

And so, I’ll pause a moment and share with you who Jon was. He was a person who –:

• Ignored pandemic shutdown rules and went to his godfather’s 100th birthday party. He wanted to see his godfather. He wanted his godfather to see him.
• Arranged for his two-year-old granddaughter to ride on a city bus. That’s what she wanted, so that’s what he wanted.
• Drove to a shop on College Avenue in Berkeley and picked out two scarves for his wife that she wound up exchanging. He wanted to surprise her.
• Organized a yearly March Madness betting pool and sent a box of candy to the winner. He wanted to have fun with his friends.
• Drew up a day-by-day spreadsheet crunching the 2020 Biden vs. Trump election odds. He wanted to believe that Biden could win.
• Had an irregular heartbeat, so he downloaded an article on atrial fibrillation two weeks before his death. He didn’t want to die.

More about Jon at “It’s Jon the Old Guy I Miss the Most.”   And, “Why Can’t a Dad Be More Like a Mom? Do We Really Want Them to Be?“