Father’s Day vs. Mother’s Day — And Today’s Liberated Dads

When my mother was alive, I was a dutiful daughter when it came to Mother’s Day. I sent the cards. I bought the gifts. I showed up for the brunches.

Later, when I became the mother of two small children, I doubled down on Mother’s Day. I insisted that my kids observe it. I was the mom, after all. I worked hard at my job. My kids should thank me for it.

They should thank me because of my simple human need to be appreciated, but also because I thought they should know how to say thank you.

As a result, for many years I’ve been on both the giving and the receiving end of Mother’s Day kindnesses.

Something Fishy About Mother’s Day

The truth is, in my mind, there’s always been something fishy about the gushy popularity of Mother’s Day.

For most of my life (until very recently — and more about that in a minute), I considered the Mother’s Day holiday suspect.

The greeting card and flower industries, of course, have made considerable hay off of Mother’s Day ever since it was signed into law by President Woodrow Wilson back in 1914. There is that.

But there’s something even more suspect than commercialism lurking behind the hearts-and-roses façade of Mother’s Day.

What is it that we have not been giving moms 364 days of the year that requires us to go all out with chocolates and roses on one designated day? What sacrifices have gone unnoticed in a woman’s life that on Mother’s Day we have to apply the balm of so much over-the-top solicitude ?

What’s the subtext here?

A Girl’s One True Calling

In the fifties, when I was growing up, I could see plain as day how paltry my life options were outside of motherhood. A girl with middle class ambitions could hope for nothing more ambitious than a job as a secretary, a nurse or a teacher. Those were careers that could fit nicely around a girl’s one, true calling — motherhood.

Girls like me were steered away from lives in the arts, in journalism, in government, in business, in science. We could not be philosophers, surgeons, TV anchormen, or astronauts.

But we could be mothers.

We could tuck ourselves away in insular domesticity, where any yearning we might have for a wider, richer life would not be acknowledged or validated — often not even by ourselves.

Which is why, back then, such a big deal had to be made of Mother’s Day, of motherhood, and of what women were — to cover up what women were not.

Betty Friedan called it “the problem that has no name.”

Which brings me to the subject of Father’s Day, as promised in today’s headline.

Women on Space Shuttles

Things have changed for women since I was a teenager looking out at my world and its possibilities. Nowadays, you see women on space shuttles. Women in operating rooms. Women teaching at law schools. Women behind the TV anchor’s desk.

Also, still — women in birthing rooms, on playgrounds, in the kitchen.

Women are still hard at work being mothers. And for that we should keep on celebrating them — as mothers. Wish them a happy Mother’s Day. Send them roses. Give them a kiss.

But meanwhile, that female ER doc, that TV showrunner or federal judge often has a husband or partner who is currently figuring out how to be a father.

Bringing Home the Bacon Bits

In many parts of the country these days, bringing home the bacon bits is not enough to earn you a fatherhood badge. If you are a dad, you change diapers, brush teeth, take kids to the pediatrician, and plan birthday parties.

I see this new breed of dad all around me. In San Francisco’s Mission District, I once spotted two men walking side by side, chatting, each  one pushing a stroller.

In the Midwest, I watched a team of fathers put on a nursery school picnic — handing out snacks and paper plates and serving up drinks. They weren’t helping that day. They were in charge.

Betty Friedan and the women’s movement that came after her changed things for mothers in America. And it changed things for fathers — giving them a chance to be fathers.

Father’s Day vs. Mother’s Day

Still, Father’s Day continues to be an afterthought. It didn’t come into being until 1972, when President Richard Nixon signed it into law. And fifty years later, when mothers are feted with brunches and flowers, some dads are lucky to be remembered with a jokey Father’s Day card.

Father’s Day vs. Mother’s Day? If consumer spending around the two holidays is any indication, moms outrank dads in filial appreciation by 50 percent. The National Retail Federation estimated that  $35.7 billion would be spent on mothers this year — but only $22.9 billion on dads.

Today’s dads deserve more than a card and a laugh. They deserve a full-on, no-holds-barred Father’s Day. Let’s make it happen. Let’s celebrate fathers. Let’s buy them chocolates. Throw them a brunch. Give them a kiss.

If you missed the essay I posted on Memorial Day weekend, you might want to check it out. It takes on a related topic: “Women — Can They Have It All?”

My son Peter with his first-born soon after birth.  Photo by Barbara Newhall