People often wonder what to say to a widow or widower in the months following a spouse’s death.
Here’s a tip: If the widow in question is me — say something about Jon.
I like knowing that other people remember my husband, that I’m not the only one who treasures him. I like knowing that Jon is still among us.
I was reclined in the dentist’s chair the other day and the hygienist was cleaning my teeth when the dentist came into the room.
“How are you,” she asked.
“Good,” I said. “I’m good. I’m staying busy.”
Later, when she returned to look at my teeth, the dentist asked the question again. This time emphatically. “How are you?”
Oh, I get it, I thought. She wants to know how I’m doing — without Jon. She wants to talk about Jon.
I wanted to talk about Jon.
“I miss Jon,” I said. “It’s hard.”
“We miss him, too.”
I was touched. Our dentist of many years missed Jon. Her time with him meant something to her and she wanted me to know that.
“He had such a great sense of humor,” she went on. “He always made us laugh.”
Jon made his dentist laugh. That sounds like Jon. How many people would try to make their dentist laugh?
What to Say to a Widow
I especially love hearing specific stories about Jon, particularly the ones that are so true to him that they reincarnate him for just a moment.
A few months ago an email arrived from Jon’s niece Lindsey. Lindsey is the daughter of Jon’s twin brother Tony. Like many brothers, Jon and Tony had a long history of teasing one another.
Lindsey wanted to tell me about a dream she’d had that featured her uncle Jon (who died in 2021) and her grandfather Scott (who died in 1992). Jon and Scott were were hanging out together in the afterlife, laughing and looking pretty happy, she said.
The dream took an inexplicable turn, however, as dreams are wont to do. Lindsey’s father — who is very much alive — appeared in the dream.
Jon spotted him.
“Uncle Jon walked over to my dad and said, ‘Tony, I’ll see you in two weeks.'”
Oh, dear, Lindsey thought. Were her father’s days numbered?
But then Jon said, “JUST KIDDING!”
Yep. That’s Jon, stirring things up.
This is the second report from the afterlife that Jon’s niece has intercepted. There’s also, “Breaking News: The Afterlife is ‘Fantastic.'” Meanwhile, the daffodils are blooming all over the place in my neighborhood right now. Here’s how I feel about those trumpets of cheer: “The Trouble With Daffodils — And My Writing.”
i like to think jon is having fun, from wherever.
And it looks like niece Lindsey has inherited the Newhall gift for telling stories, dreaming them up.
I may have told you this before … so forgive:
Summer of 1969. I was working at the newspaper, the Signal (charity project from Scott my godfather). I lived in Piru with Ruth. I worked for Tony as his secretary. Jon was Signal editor in another room … always nice and smiling.
Morning of moonwalk. I drove like a bat outta hell (in Ruth’s sports car), from Piru to Newhall to Jon’s apartment. The TV was on … got there in time to see the moonwalk.
Jon had this amazing skill I have never forgotten that was unique to him alone: No matter what the discussion was (but he especially liked hot topics) … No matter his personal (studied) opinion, he would take the opposite side and argue it amazingly.
Life lesson: There are two sides. Can be two intelligently debated sides.
Probably along with Ruth, smartest person I’ve ever met.
What a great story. Of course, Jon would be glued to the TV in time for the moonwalk. For as long as I knew him, he — and later we — would have the TV or radio tuned in to the news (KSAN with Dave McQueen). It was a Newhall thing. Now it’s a lifelong habit with me. The TV is tuned in to CNN right now and Biden’s press conference in Canada.
Yes, a story about one’s deceased husband that captures an essential aspect of his character or interests is the best communication to receive from others.
The question, “How are you?” , tends to be an unpleasant experience as it either asks us to be disingenuously cheery in response or it invasively probes our inner feelings, which we may not feel like sharing with that person or at that time and place..
Yes! I love to hear those stories. So often other people remember events that I have long forgotten.
Classic Dad!!
Yep! But it’s interesting that it was Jon’s niece who dreamt that line. Either Lindsey is a talented mimic — or Dad is having fun with us from beyond the grave.