I’m widowed and I got a love letter from Jon, my husband, this week. It arrived in my psyche – unbidden – during a conversation with a friend.
Some widows talk to their husbands every day. Some husbands talk back. I don’t talk to Jon. Why? I’m a skeptic for one thing. And so was he.
But more to the point – conjuring Jon too vividly sends me to tears. Soon I’m sobbing and spraying my glasses with tears, and whatever I was about to do in that moment doesn’t get done.
So, no, I don’t talk to Jon, and he doesn’t talk back. Not that I know of.
But this week, out of the blue, I got a love letter from Jon. It arrived in spite of myself, in spite of Jon. It had to do with this house of ours.
Glum Thoughts
I’ve been thinking about our house and our backyard these past weeks, and my thoughts have been glum. What’s the point, I think? What’s the point of finishing the backyard project we started five years ago?
Why not let it go to weedy grass like our neighbors? Forget the manzanita, the salvia, the Pacific irises. Let the wild grass grow. Whack it back every spring in time for fire season. Why not?
Forty-four Action-Packed Years
I got a lot done during my 44 years of marriage with Jon. My days were action packed. Get the living room rug cleaned. Shop for dish towels. Hold down a job. Find summer camps for the kids. Get my book published. Clean the grout from around the kitchen sink.
For 44 years, I lived my life. I did what I wanted to do. That’s a fact. But some part of me was aiming it all at Jon.
Yes, I was trying to be helpful in this marriage. Yes, I wanted to hold up my end of things. But I was also leading a life I thought would entertain my husband, keep him amused.
I didn’t know this at the time. I didn’t know how much I was counting on being seen by Jon. I didn’t know how much I liked giving him something to see: me writing a book, me scrubbing grout with a toothbrush.
And now he’s gone. So, what’s the point? Who am I entertaining these days with my antics, literary and domestic?
What now is the point of finishing the backyard garden we’d planned? The one designed to be gazed upon from above, from our brand-new deck a glass of wine in hand?
Widowed: A Love Letter From Jon
I was wondering all this when my friend, also a widow, described the house she’d just bought. It’s what she and her partner had long envisioned for themselves. Now the house is a reality, and it makes my friend happy. “It’s a love letter,” she said.
That’s it. Of course. Jon and I bought this house, with its steep backyard, together. We fixed it up together. It’s is not a sorry remnant of a former life. It’s a love letter. It’s a gift from Jon.
And so, yes, there will be manzanita. There will be salvia. There will be native fern and coastal iris.
I’ll look down on our garden from above, from our deck, as planned. And if I can bring myself to think of Jon, I’ll thank him.
More about the house remodel project that Jon and I undertook at “Too Many Walls and Not Enough Bathrooms at Our House.” And here’s one about our backyard before we started fixing it up: “I’ve Got a Pile of Antique Bricks in My Backyard.”
Carrie says
Reading this while waiting for an MRI. You are a good companion. (When you come over for EFM, you can check out my Pacific Iris. They did nothing the first year, but now they’re having a party.)
Barbara Falconer Newhall says
Good to know that I might have to wait a year for actual flowers.
Blake Gilmore says
So glad you kept the bricks! You’ve repurposed them beautifully. And yes to the wild iris! Anxious to lay eyes on this part of the home reno/evolution. Keep on keeping on Barbara.
Barbara Falconer Newhall says
I feel like the remodel and the outdoor work are all of a piece — including the trimming of the trees. It’s a work of art, imo.
Bonnie says
The bottom of your brick staircase looks like the perfect place for a labyrinth.
Barbara Falconer Newhall says
A labyrinth. What an idea! Yes. That terrace is a perfect space. And you can look down on it from above . . . But I’d better stop fixing this place up and get back to working on my books, which are sorely neglected right now.
Steve says
Barbara, this was beautifully written and had a touch of love, sincerity and truth.
Steve GM
Barbara Falconer Newhall says
Thank you, Steve. My friends are helping me see things anew.
Joy says
I like your conclusion. So glad drought-tolerant plants will be planted. Go for it, with Jon!
Barbara Falconer Newhall says
I love manzanita. There will be several different types in the backyard.
Elaine+Wells says
Looking forward to looking over the deck and perhaps taking a walk down those beautiful brick steps.
Barbara Falconer Newhall says
Yes, things are changing. It’s fun to watch.
Ellen+Becherer says
I. think your backyard is a wonderful communication about caring. I love to tend my flowers. We must get you some alstroemeria – they come in many colors and are the BEST picked flower for a vase. You might love having flowers from your landscaping to bring inside. Hugs, Ellen
Barbara Falconer Newhall says
Yes! Alstroemeria are on the list of flowers to plant in the side yard — in a handy place to cut and bring inside. Planting will begin in a couple of weeks.