I still have lots of people coming and going at my house right now. I just dropped my college roommate off at the airport after a three-day visit. But now as I settle into my ninth decade on this planet, I wonder — who will look after me now that Jon is gone?
Jon — the guy who gave me rides when my car was in the shop. The guy who walked me to his car after a colonoscopy. The one who made sure there were groceries in the house and air in my tires. He’s not there any more. Who will look after me?
What if I wake up dizzy and woozy some morning — who will drive me to the doctor? And what if I choke on a slippery shitake? Who will slap me hard on the back so I can live to order more Chinese take-out? What if? What if?
Should I —
- Sign up for Meals on Wheels so that somebody knocks on my door at least once a day?
- Ask my college roommate to ditch her husband and move back in with me?
- Rent out the downstairs to a college student and hope she hears the thump and the bump when I fall in the tub?
- Pay big bucks for a granny nanny to hang out with me?
- Move into a senior living complex and drink a glass of watered-down Chablis at dinner with the other 80-somethings?
- Get one of those medical alert thingies you wear around your neck — just push the button and, bingo, the medics arrive and so does your neighbor from across the street?
- Or, be the cool kid and spring 500 bucks for the smart watch/phone that keeps track of your heartbeat and your every step?
I don’t see a solution here.
- Meals on Wheels is something I should be donating to, not exploiting.
- My roommate still likes her husband.
- A college student living downstairs? Think marijuana smoke and Foo Fighter decibels.
- A granny nanny? She’d get in the way in the kitchen.
- A senior residence? I’d have to leave my salvias and manzanitas behind. Also the camellias. Are you kidding?
- As for the smart watch, you have to be a little smart to navigate its emergency functions. I’m smart right now, but how smart will I be after I’ve slipped on the kitchen throw rug and hit my head on the granite?
- That leaves me with the medical alert button. And I’m way too young for that. Right?
More about camellias at “Look What Happened in My Garden Over the Weekend.” Camellias and the events of January 6 feature at “This Scary Week I’m Writing About Camellias. Here’s Why.”
Yes. As a single man I have a different perspective but the same questions. Nicely written.
Thanks, David! Lots of us in the same boat!
Spot on writing about this worry. I share this concern even though my spouse is around to keep an eye on me. We all laughed at the “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up” ads. When you find a solution, please tell me.
Liz
PS You are doing an admirable job!
Oh, those knees! On some days I have trouble getting up, even though I haven’t fallen.
No, you are not too young to consider an alert system of some sort — I can say that because I turned 80 a few months before you did. It’s smart to be thinking about this.
I’m healthy, active, in good shape from working out five days a week and walking most everywhere in Boston. Nevertheless, at our age it’s undeniable that balance isn’t what it used to be, tripping is more frequent, and some malfunction can strike at any time.
I’ve joined Beacon Hill Village — the prototype for ‘villages’ all over the U.S. as an organization that provides services and resources to help people age well at home. But it’s not an alert system, and neither is a friend who checks in everyday…..at least not for me.
My master bath is as far from the door of my condo unit as it’s possible to get — down a hall and around a couple of corners. If I fall in the shower and can’t get up, no one will know for days!
I know I need an alert system and am looking into them. An apple watch will so for being outdoors — I think but am not sure that it calls 911, but at home I need something else that will reach the front desk among others..
I’m thinking of writing those Apple people and asking them to add an alert function to their smart watches. So much cooler than those lavaliers the other services have you wearing around your neck. One nice thing about getting older that I hadn’t thought much about till now — all my friends are getting older, especially classmates like you, so there’s lots and lots of good company!
I’ve been there and have had to go through those same thought processes. Part of it is grieving and wanting the old life back. Part of it is accepting aging. We all hate it, but it’s happening, like it or not. We are losing some of our capabilities and have to figure out how to deal with that.
YOU are the one who ultimately will be taking care of yourself. You have to wake up to that fact and set things up to do it. You may not like the choices, but at least you have some. And if you’re like me, you’ll have to investigate and find out which ones you find least objectionable.
Let me just say first that friends LOVE to be asked to do things because otherwise they want to help but don’t have a clue what you really need. A person I barely know just lost her mom, and I took her to and from colonoscopy after she put out a request to people in a group I belong to. I was glad to help and knew I’d be asking the same thing before long. Check out Albany Village, people who commit to helping each other with requests like that, although they continue to live in their own homes.
Maybe you don’t’ want a full-on senior residence experience, even with your own plants on your balcony, but having a “granny nanny” show up to clean your bathroom or put your new computer together or carry in the groceries or clip your toenails isn’t so bad. If it makes your life easier, it’s worth it. And you’re the boss—if you don’t want someone in your kitchen, just say so.
Meals on Wheels is terrific. The volunteers are consistent and often become friends (during COVID you can get MOW even if I you drive, which is not the case otherwise). The food is not Gourmet Ghetto, but it’s healthful, varied, tasty, and welcome for that one meal a day. But that’s me. I hate to cook.
Get an Apple Watch if you want one for other reasons, but the Fall function is unreliable. Usually it doesn’t notice a fall, but sometimes when you haven’t fallen, it screams out, “It appears you have fallen; shall I call the EMTs?”
I finally got one of those medical alert buttons, mostly to appease my friends. I have a feeling, though, that I’ll really appreciate it if and when I need it. My mother once lay in her alley for 8 hours because no one knew she had fallen out there. My service is from a local company, costs only $30 a month, and only works around my property. (I suppose the assumption is that if you are out and about, there will be people around.) It’s waterproof, so it’s good if you fall in the shower. And you won’t be thinking you’re “too young” when you’re splat on the kitchen floor, can’t get up, and can’t reach your cell phone on the counter.. You supply a list of friends and neighbors who can come pick you up. The service calls them in the order you specify so the EMTs don’t come blasting in when all you need is a hand up.
Also, renters do come in quiet, studious models. Get one of those. Give them a break on the rent in exchange for some of that “granny nanny” stuff.
Sorry to blather on … Here’s my real advice: Don’t do anything major now. Do some meditating on what you do and don’t want, and why. Rely on your friends—and remember it’s not a one-way street. You’ll get a lot out of helping THEM, too.
Linda, I love this. All very common sense. And yes for now it’s up to me to look after me, which I am quite capable of doing! I’m probably too young and fit to fit the usual profile of a medic alert user, but it might be a good precaution to take.
I believe I’m younger than you are, and there really is no downside to having that button around yr neck. No telling whether you’ll be “old enough” to have gotten it the first time you fall. You’ll be wishing you had it. Speaking from experience! I was in my 60s first time I fell.
Good to know! One more vote for getting that button!
Linda. I love this — all very good common sense ideas. And for now I’m planning to stay put and not make any big decisions — although I am going ahead with garden and house-fixing-up project. Maybe that says something about my gut feelings about what I want to do. I’m probably too young and fit to fit the profile of those medic alert services, but it might be smart to get one. Thanks!
Good one, Barbara. And I agree that all the options are tough, especially leaving my backyard jungle. I carry my cell phone everywhere I go — if I remember. Or maybe team up with an equally ancient friend or neighbor with the same problem for daily check-in calls.
Good ideas! I need to carry that cell phone around more — so many people are switching over to texting. Me too.
Hi Barbara, yes there is the pain and unsettlement as we all try to figure out how to live our senior years in a world now seeming to pass us by… You just got a major blow in this realm… We all certainly miss Jon.
When my two best friends died 4 years ago, one day apart, it hit me hard. One was my buddy since playschool, always my faithful champion in all ways, and the other was a fellow stutterer in Oakland whom I had known for about 50 years.
One day apart.
Since then, Jon was my good friend… a fine person… always positive, smiling and engaging, so that too was a huge loss for all who knew him.
I have been thinking of finding some sort of charity work to do. […] Do you have an interest that you might support that would bring you satisfaction? Something beyond writing………?
Rich. I forget that other people miss Jon and are grieving him. So thanks for this reminder. I suspect that people keep their grief to themselves a bit in order to focus on helping me. That’s something that I appreciate deeply — when I am conscious of it!
I do feel fortunate in that I have many things in my life to look forward to. The writing, of course. But also the very creative process of fixing up the yard — designing the hardscape and choosing plants. The workers who have come to the house have been great company.
You don’t need any of those things yet. You will know when you do.
I dunno. It would be great to have a smart watch with a feature that lets me summon help if I need it. Maybe Apple et al will add that feature soon.
Very nice, thoughtful piece, Barbara. Us oldies can certainly relate.
One big comfort about this getting older thing is — all my friends are doing it. We are very on trend!