As I see it, there are two big, big things to do before you die.
- Take photos of yourself, lots of them.
- Write your own obituary.
Your loved ones will thank you.
Write That Obituary
Start by writing your own obituary — not the cornball stuff. Leave that to your heirs and friends. Let them tell the world how generous, wise and super cool you are (were!).
Instead, make a list. Compile the details — all the things you know by heart, but that your absent-minded friends family always had to ask you for.
- What are the exact names of your workplaces? Your job titles? Achievements?
- What are your churches, clubs and charities? Which preoccupations reveal the real you — writing postcards for political causes? Feeding feral cats?
- Where have you lived? The wilds of northern Michigan? The canyons of Manhattan?
- Your sports teams — were you a Giants fan in A’s country?
- Your hobbies. If you were a birdwatcher, is a vermilion flycatcher on your life list?
- Note all the full, formal names. Check the spellings. Don’t leave pesky details to your (sad, discombobulated) children to fret over.
After Jon died in February, his brother and I found ourselves scrambling to write his obituary. We had a good grasp of the basics — birth dates, school and college graduation dates. But for the life of us we could not come up with important biographical details.
What year did Jon found the scrappy, anti-Vietnam war Zodiac News Service? How many subscribers did he have?
What exactly did Jon do during the long hours he put in at that string of software companies he worked for? Was he a computer programmer? A software engineer? I wasn’t sure.
Phone calls to some long-time colleagues filled in these details, but I was distressed at not having a command of them myself. Too, it was hard to initiate those calls in the midst of so much heartbreak.
Like I said, no need to write a finished obituary — just generate a tidy, ongoing list of the big facts.
Things to Do Before You Die — Turn the Camera on You
There’s a second big thing you can do for your dear ones: get on the other side of the camera. Take selfies. Better yet, hand over the camera to friends and family and let them take pictures of you.
- Posed pictures — face first and smiling your trademark smile.
- Candid action shots — encourage your people to catch you doing stuff and not looking at the camera or smiling for it.
- Photos that show your surroundings, clothing and possessions.
- Photos of you alongside the important people in your life.
After Jon died, our son Peter wanted a picture of himself with his father. I searched my photo files over the past five years. There were dozens of photos of Jon with Peter’s little daughters. Dozens of photos of Peter with his kids. But hardly anything of Jon and Peter. I felt sad about this.
Too, I found myself deeply appreciating the photos of Jon that I did come across in my files, especially the candid ones and the ones that showed Jon’s unique body language. They brought him back to me and helped me remember aspects of my husband that I fear I’ll forget as the years go by. I wish I had more pictures of Jon. Lots more.
And so, I see that I need to follow my own advice and add to my own things to do before you die. Start by handing my trusty point-and-shoot over to friends and family from time to time. Let myself be photographed, wobbly neck and all. This will take courage. Grit.
The grandchildren are adorable. And, yes, they are more photogenic than you and I. But you and I have people who love us a lot and will treasure glimpses of us when we’ve gone to the other side of the grass.
Or, in my case, the dandelions.
Barbara, I’ve just finished preparing my estate, and the Nolo book Get It Together addresses exactly what you are talking about here. It has RTF forms you fill out and print to provide all relevant information about yourself, your history, your assets–your entire life. There is specifically a tab for “obituary” and others on job history, financial accounts, education, and so on. You end up with a tabbed binder that your executor/successor trustee can efficiently use for any and all of the required jobs. I’m actually keeping a copy of mine handy when I need to quickly find a fact–like my car’s VIN or a seldom-used financial account number. I really wish my husband had done this homework for me to use after his death.
Wishing you the best from one who has been there.
That’s a terrific suggestion. I have been stuffing information in a box for my kids. But an organized way of collecting the information sounds really good. Lovely that you know just where to go for your car’s VIN! Ha!
That is a terrific suggestion. Although I don’t have children to appreciate it, I might have some surviving old friends that might be interested. Also, a wonderful idea to pass on. Thanks.
Ann. Your surviving friends will want to do things for you. And since they aren’t people who are living with you on a day-to-day basis, it will be even harder for them than it was for Jon’s brother and me to pull together the life details for an obituary. Everyone deserves an obituary placed somewhere. It’s the record of you.
An obituary in a newspaper does have to be paid for, and it’s not cheap, so maybe set aside some money for that. A single woman friend of mine set aside money in her will for a really nice party for her friends. We had a wonderful time remembering her and drinking a toast or two. You could make it super easy for your friends with a little planning.
Dear Barbara -I don’t believe I have connected with you since John died. I am so very sorry that you have lost your beloved, life partner. Thank you for writing bravely about this topic. My mom died in June, and boy was she prepared! She did exactly what you suggested. She had bullet points for her obituary. She also chose a photo to run with the obituary in her local paper. She selected the music and other details for her memorial service, held a couple weeks ago. We knew exactly what she wanted. It was a wonderful gift to her children.
Oh, it is so hard to lose a mother. But what a thoughtful one you had! The person’s favorite music, I think, goes straight to the heart. I remember spending several afternoons listening to one of my mother’s favorite hymns as I planned her funeral. It was “On Eagle’s Wings,” and it reflected her deep faith. Made me cry and cry.
I really loved your writing in particular in this post, especially how you phrased what to include in an obituary (“the canyons of Manhattan;” “a Giants fan in A’s country”).
Good suggestion on having one’s loved ones take photos of oneself. I also read, or perhaps heard in a podcast, that listening to a beloved’s voice can bring a lot of comfort and evoke strong memories, so I’d also add the suggestion to record memories with video or audio. I have saved a few voicemails from my parents for that reason. Additionally, certain life events, such as joining the Peace Corps, and the birth of our first child, have prompted me to record more videos, which I have saved in multiple locations (a hard drive, my computer, privately on YouTube) in hopes that my family will be able to enjoy them in the future.
I love the photos of Uncle Jon in your post. So candid and true-to-life. Thinking of him brings me great joy.
Great idea! Record some videos with your voice! Yes, when I do hear a recording of Jon’s voice, it feels very real, very Jon.
Love this, Barbara, and great reminders!
Thanks, Cheryl!
Thanks for this timely reminder.
Now’s the time to start making notes for that obituary, while we still have our wits about us. Some of them anyway.
What a terrific piece, Barb, and so very appropriate. So sorry you had to be in this situation in order to write it, but glad you found this advice important enough to pass it along. I’ll share it, if it’s okay with you. Thank you.
Yes. Please share. I suspect that a lot of people are too modest to get themselves into photos and to write their own obituary.