Send Flowers?
How often have you seen these words at the end of an obituary? “In lieu of flowers, the family suggests making a donation to your favorite charity.”
It’s become conventional wisdom: instead of flowers, send the money off to a worthy cause — the meditation center, the opera, the pit bull rescue shelter — where it will be put to good and lasting use.
Where it can accomplish something.
Why Burden the Family?
That’s been my thinking these many years. When someone dies, I think, why send flowers? Why burden the family with the watering and tending of yet another bouquet of flowers?
And — flowers don’t last. They die. Who needs that?
That’s what I used to think before Jon died and I became the recipient of bouquet after bouquet of flowers — roses, tulips, chrysanthemums, lilies. And lots of that unpronounceable intrepid, alstroemeria.
Forget In Lieu Of
But now I’m a fan. Forget in lieu of. I want the flowers.
Flowers are beautiful, yes. And that’s reason enough to send flowers to that brand new widow or that bereft son or daughter. Beauty is a good thing.
But the really great thing about flowers, I’ve learned in recent months, is they need tending.
Fresh water. Regular clipping. A more suitable vase, maybe. And where to put them? By the fireplace? On the bathroom sink?
Blindsided by Loss
In other words, flowers give you something to do when you have been blindsided by loss. They give you something to think about. Something, anything, but that merciless, undoable thing that has befallen your dear one.
Your dear one doesn’t need you to wash and sort their socks any more. Or read the latest draft of their novel.
But your flowers need you. They need tending.
They aren’t people. But they are alive and present.
For now.
More thoughts on flowers at “Flowers Bursting From the Dirt. How Do They Do It?” And, “Look What Happened in My Garden When I Wasn’t Looking.”
Just seeing this now – I love this essay and couldn’t agree more. I have never been a fan of anything but flowers, not to say I haven’t dutifully sent donations when requested, but if I really know the person and deeply care about them, I send flowers. For all the reasons you mention ….
Thank you! And I don’t mind if people bring flowers just for the heck of it.
Barbara, this is the first I’ve checked in with you for a while. I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I could see you and give you a hug!
What a wonderful piece to write – channeling your grief into helpful information for others. Thank you for this.
I’ll take the virtual hug! Thank you! It helped!
Hi Carol. I checked out your website and I see that you, too, have a techie husband. Mine was lots of fun to write about. He was a good sport . . . I see you are writing about Japan. You might like to take a look at my writing buddy’s book, “Bamboo Secrets,” by Patricia Dove Miller . . . You mention that your book is getting multiple sensitivity reads. Hmmm. It didn’t occur to me to do that with my very multicultural book, “Wrestling with God.” Hmmm!
Thank you for that good perspective. I never considered that basic need for flowers…as you put it, something to take care of – to tend to.
Please take care of yourself.
Yes. I do see that I have to take care of myself. So I try to eat right, get sleep and exercise. Also, make sure I’ve got something compelling to read or watch on TV.
Barbara,
This is a beautiful post. Thinking of you.
How many years ago was it that we were at Community of Writers together?
Take good care,
Gail
Thank you, Gail. It was a lot of years. 2003? 2004? 2008? Wonderful weeks with lots of people who wanted to talk about writing as much as I did.
Barbara.,
I can barely imagine the grief and pain you must be going through, We all dread that terror and profound loneliness that will never ever really go away.
All we can do is give what limited support that we can muster, knowing that is really never going to be enough, not by a long shot, and we all know it. But we still try… and hope that in time it gets easier…
May God lighten the burden of your difficult journey.
Thank you, Rich. You and Elaine have been my mainstays. So glad that you are so close by and are thinking of me.
WE NEED YOU! Hug, Liz
Oh. What a thought. So good to know!
What a wonderful piece, Barb. Once again, my sincere wishes for happiness, but in the meantime, enjoy the beauty of those tokens of love and affection.
Thank you, Diane. There are a lot of good things, and even more good people, showing up lately. And I am enjoying one and all.