By Barbara Falconer Newhall
Today’s my birthday today, so I can’t help noticing that I’m really old.
There will be lots of happy birthday wishes coming my way today. Also gourmet chocolate cake — I spotted it on the kitchen counter. And maybe there’s french vanilla ice cream in the freezer.
Pushing 80
But I’m not happy about this birthday of mine. I turn 79 today. That means I’m pushing 80. Time is moving on to the next thing and it’s taking me with it. There is no pushing back at time. Like it or not, you and it are on your way to your ultimate destination — which is dead.
Another year has blown past, and I see that I’m going to die sooner than I was going to die sixty years ago as a brand-new graduate of Birmingham High School, Birmingham, Michigan.
Or as a young, ambitious junior editor on a women’s magazine in New York City.
Or, for that matter, as a newly minted author of a real book in 2015.
The Upside of Old
I’m older than I used to be. Way older.
Still, right now, while I’m still in my 70s, I can make the case to myself and to my doctors that I’m not elderly, just old. Indeed, I’ve had some fun applying that word to myself lately. Old. I’ve declared it to the world. “Hey, I’m old now.”
I’ve taken pride in making it this far, with my knees, my brain and my writing career still intact. Also my marriage.
After all, I tell myself, I’m working on another book. I’m plugging away at this blog. I’m learning new tech skills on sites with clever, 21st-century names with missing spaces and misplaced dots — GoDaddy, ConvertKit, Linktr.ee.
My Days Are Numbered — 7,660 to Be Exact
What really troubles me today is not the state of being old. I like being old. What bothers me is — a day is coming when I won’t be old (or anything else) any more.
What brings me down, what saddens me — is that I have so little time left.
Even if I survive this pandemic, my days are numbered. Even if, with a little more of that luck I’m counting on, I break the family record and make it all the way to 100, my remaining days will be numbered in the four digits: 7,665 to be exact. Take away the leap year days and I’m down to 7,660.
There’s a quiet, low-grade depression humming through my days right now. It’s becoming clear that this ride that I’ve been on for 79 years will come to an end one day soon. I’m on a fun roller coaster, and I can feel the car braking, getting ready to come to a complete stop at the bottom of the last slope.
I feel those brakes. And you can’t argue with the roller coaster operator. No exceptions, the ride is ending and you’ll have to get off. Give somebody else your seat. And no, you can’t have another ride. Cuz that’s all folks. And that makes me sad.
Happy birthday?
Postscript
In the hours since I wrote this piece I’ve had two servings of chocolate cake and three of ice cream. I’ve opened birthday cards and presents and I’ve Zoomed, Skyped, telephoned and emailed the day away. Was it a happy birthday? Yes.
MORE AT: Read about one of those long-lived relatives of mine at “How to Be a Glamorous Gal at Age 98.” More on that getting older thing at “My Upper Lip and Other Sorrows.”
I really liked this post. I too celebrated a birthday recently and it’s good to have perspective on life passing and death being inevitable because then it prompts you to take advantage of the time you do have. I hope you live to your hundreds! Same for Uncle Jon. Old age is a blessing so long as your quality of life is sufficient. My great-aunt just turned 99! It’s very exciting. I think you have a healthy attitude toward aging and it’s great to read about. Thank you for being inspiring and sharing your thoughts with us readers.
Thank you, Lindsey. So far, old age is great. Best piece of life so far, as my father said at this point in his life. As long as we’re not too rickety mentally and physically, it’s all good. The thing about having a shorter amount of time in front of me now than I used to have is — I am thinking more carefully about what I actually want to do. Do I want to travel to the Galapagos? Or visit friends in Death Valley, Michigan and Texas? Fix up our back yard — or finish that book I’m working on? So far, to be honest, it’s still “all of the above.”
Love this piece, Barbara! I’m coming up right behind you and I wish you a very happy birthday. As an older gentleman once told me, “You’ll never be younger than today”! So enjoy!!! I like your roller coaster metaphor—similar to my mother’s. She used to say that life was like an ice cream cone. You’re having such a great time enjoying it, so sweet and delicious, and then … it’s gone.
It’s true that no one gets out of here alive, so let’s keep dancing as long as we are able! . 💃 🕺 🎂 🍰 . 🎶
I like the ice cream cone metaphor. There is still a little birthday cake left from yesterday! It’s not gone yet! Meanwhile, I’ll keep on dancing. It’s always so nice to see your face at our Zumba classes.