Dead Stuff – Which I Will Be Too One of These Days

A woodpecker has wedged an acorn  into a crack in a dying valley oak tree, at bishops ranch, sonoma county, CA. Photo by BF Newhall

An acorn wedged into a crack in a dying valley oak tree at Bishop’s Ranch. Photo by BF Newhall

By Barbara Falconer Newhall

The fifth-century Saint Jerome kept a human skull on his desk to remind him of his mortality – memento mori.  But if you’re like me and you like to take walks in the woods, you don’t need a skull taking up space on your desk to remind you that sooner or later everything dies, including you. That’s because the woods are full of dead stuff.

There’s the tree, for example, that I spotted as I set out a couple of weeks ago on what I thought was going to be a brisk walk in the woods at Bishop’s Ranch, the Episcopal Diocese of California’s retreat center deep in Sonoma wine country.

A half dead valley oak tree stands near a pasture at Bishop's Ranch, Sonoma county, CA. Photo by BF Newhall

Memento mori: The valley oak in question stands alongside a cow pasture. Photo by BF Newhall

The tree was a valley oak, I learned later. It had up-reaching branches, deeply lobed leaves, and elongated acorns. It was standing there – alive but mostly dead – at the trailhead as I began my hike.

Its trunk was a pallid gray in some places, a rich, rotten brown in others. It seemed to be a goner – except for two fresh limbs, awash with leaves, growing from the decay on one side of its trunk.

I stopped for a closer look. The live part of the tree was pretty, but the dead part was interesting, and riddled with life.

On the side of the trunk nearest the trail, for example, grew a lush, inch-deep patch of moist, green moss. Inches away, on another side of the tree, flat pink and purple mushrooms had sprouted one atop the other, like dirty dishes stacked in the kitchen sink. Still farther around the tree, a weird lump of fungus pooched out from a crack like a hunk of gorgonzola.

I walked around and around the tree, discovering something new and vigorous with each pass. Another hiker joined me – we were on a women’s retreat at Bishop’s Ranch, and back home she was taking horticulture classes.

“This is the phloem,” she said pointing to a spot where the bark had fallen away, exposing the

A lump of fungus pooches out from a crack in a dying valley oak tree at Bishop's Ranch, Sonoma county, CA. Photo by BF Newhall

A lump of fungus found a home. Photo by BF Newhall

A stack of pink and purple mushrooms grow from the side of a dying valley oak tree at Bishop's Ranch, Sonoma county, CA.  Photo by BF Newhall

A stack of purple-edged mushrooms. Photo by BF Newhall

tree’s innards. “The phloem takes nutrients from the leaves to the rest of the tree. And this,” she said, “would be the xylem, which brings water up from the roots.”

My companion was as taken with this tree as I. Together we circumambulated it. Around and around we went, inspecting this, puzzling over that.

“Look here,” she said. On the back side of the tree, weirdly enough, were a dozen or so of the tree’s own acorns tucked into cracks and holes in its core. In some places the cracks had been expanded into holes. “Woodpeckers, I’m pretty sure.”

A few more circles around the tree and my companion resumed her hike. I lingered on, fascinated by how truly dead and rotten the old tree was – and how aggressively other life forms were feeding on its helplessness.

For some, this old oak might serve as an upbeat meditation on the eternal cycle of life and death. Life endures, or so the thinking goes. Life lives on; rotten oak trees become nurseries for fungi, mold, burrowing insects, and the next generation of valley oaks. Ruptures in a tree trunk become opportunities for enterprising woodpeckers.

Yes, life goes on. But not for that tree, and not for me. That tree will be dead one of these days – and so will I.

Why did Saint Jerome keep a skull on his desk? To remind him of death, of  the terrors of hell – and the sinful temptations of his body and this world.

Why do I write an essay on the deadness in my future? Why do I drag myself and my readers through the Valley of the Shadow of Death? (If you’re still with me, that is, and you haven’t moved on to sunnier thoughts.)

I do the memento mori thing not to berate myself with how sinful and tempted and demented I am. Not at all. Jerome got it wrong, in my opinion. No, I take note of dead stuff in order to wake myself up, to remind myself that I’m actually alive, right now, in this world.

A couple of weeks ago I was walking around on planet Earth, inspecting and photographing the

Valley oak acorn and browned, deeply lobed leaf lie on the ground next to tree at Bishop's Ranch, Sonoma county, CA. Photo by BF Newhall

Dead stuff. Photo by BF Newhall

heck out of a half-dead tree – and having a blast doing it. Today, I’m back in my writing studio, still on Earth, poring over my photos and being entertained by that oak tree all over again.

These moments, this particular moment in the world wherein I find myself gazing into a computer monitor, my shoulders aching a bit, my eyes going bleary – it’s gotta be some kind of miracle. A gift from somewhere, or something. As I see it, my only obligation, if I have one at all, is to open my eyes and lungs enough to take it in.

More wrestling with God stories at “Why Pray? Some Thoughts From Karen Armstrong” and “Christianity (Some of It) Is Bunk.”  But if you’re feeling the need for some levity right now, try “How Do You Play With a Barbie Doll?”



  1. Barbara Falconer Newhall says:

    A high school friend emailed me a thought on those acorns stuck in the cracks of the tree: Humans put them there. This might well be. The one clue that made me and my companion suspect woodpeckers, however, was the fact that holes had been bored at points in the cracks; they were just big enough to slip in an acorn. Hmmm.

  2. Rich Wells says:

    I like the notion that we perhaps only come fully alive when – paradoxically – we meet our creator. Until then, we hang out as isolated physical beings, driven largely by ego needs, serving our time in a big, mysterious world. So death is an awakening, not the end.

  3. Sean Swift says:

    I really enjoyed reading this piece, Barbara, and will further appreciate the old tree. Thanks!
    sean swift

  4. Alice Macondray says:

    Such great artistry, Barbara, in the photos and the reflection! Even if I didn’t know just where you were and why, I would treasure this. Thank you.

  5. Karen Gleason says:

    I love this “Lenten” meditation, Barbara, and all the miracles you noticed. Wish I’d been on the retreat with you! KG

    • Barbara Falconer Newhall says:

      Karen, thank you for pointing out that that was a Lenten experience I was having with that tree.


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