Six Ways to Look Dreadful at Your Daughter’s Wedding — A Mother-of-the-Bride Moment

A mother of the bride tries on dresses to cover the figure flaws she'll take to her daughter's wedding -- flabby arms, wobbly neck and falling bustline. Photo by Barbara Newhall

The mother of the bride faces up to some of the figure flaws she’ll be taking to her daughter’s wedding — wobbly neck and arms, descending bustline. Photo by Barbara Newhall

By Barbara Falconer Newhall

They used to be known as figure flaws. I’m sure there’s a brand-new, trendy euphemism for them — “body features” maybe. I’m thinking of  those wayward physical parts that you mostly forget about when you’re not in a department store fitting room, just you, that three-way mirror and those unforgiving florescent lights.

My daughter’s wedding is coming up in May, and I’ve got my share of body features that I’d rather not take to the party.

Yeah. I know. It’s her day, not mine. But when the guests are done looking at the bride, they might well turn their attention to

A mother of the bride laments the belly fat she'll be taking to her daughter's wedding. Photo by Barbara Newhall

Belly fat! Wrong dress? Or a job for a good, old-fashioned girdle? Photo by Barbara Newhall

that short, chubby lady standing next to her. Her mom. Me. The one with the flabby arms, runaway belly fat, pathetic dowager’s hump, wiggly turkey gobbler neck, droopy boobs, and sun spots on her face, hands and what passes for a decolletage.

That’s six, count ’em six, ways to look dreadful on my daughter’s wedding day.

Coming soon — a mini collection of mother-of-the-bride dresses that I’m hoping will conceal, hide, cover up, squeeze into submission (show off?) those uncooperative body parts.

Meanwhile, more fashion at “For China’s Young Fashionistas, the Cultural Revolution Is So Over.” And another mother-of-the-bride story at “No to Bride Barbie. Yes to a Real-Life Wedding.”

Figure flaws that the mother of the bride will take to her daughter's wedding include the wretched dowager's hump. Photo by Barbara Newhall

Ah, the wretched dowager’s hump. Photo by Barbara Newhall




  1. you make me laugh out loud!

  2. Sharie McNamee says:

    Barbie, that is your winning trait, you see how to turn everyday observations into something funny that everyone has in common, so we can laugh together.

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